It's Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle… (2024)

Great book. Its Not Always Depression is based on Diana Fosha’s, Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP).

AEDP assumes:

1. the transformation drive (i.e. the desire to heal and grow) is basic and innate to Human nature.
2. healing change occurs as the patient forms new expectations for relationships based on the secure relationship with the therapist.
3. healing is accelerated as the patient to learns to identify and completely experience core emotions that were previously too overwhelming.

It’s Not Always Depression is author and therpaist Hilary Jacobs Hendel’s popularization of AEDP and a tool used in AEDP known as the Change Tangle.

The Change Triangle is a three part model of emotional dynamics.

Visualize a triangle pointing down 🔻

In the Upper Left ➡️🔻are Emotional Defenses:

In this model Emotional Defenses include anything that you do to distract, numb or otherwise avoid feeling emotionally uncomfortable.

This includes psychological tricks like ‘denial’, and ‘ dissociation’, behaviors like checking your phone every two seconds, compulsive eating, exercise, sex and gaming etc., and (of course) doing drugs and stuff.

In the Upper Right 🔻⬅️ are Secondary Emotions:

In this model Emotional Defenses include any emotion that you allow yourself to feel, so you don’t have to feel other uncomfortable emotions.

This may include stuff like allowing yourself to feel angry instead of feeling scared, or feeling “disappointed” instead of feeling angry.

In the Lower Point 🔻are Core Emotions: (you’re going to have to imagine an arrow pointing at the bottom point of the triangle here).

These are your authentic, primary emotions.

The point of the Change Triangle is to help understand what is a defense, what is a secondary emotion, and what is a core emotion.

The healing occurs when we can get past our defenses and secondary emotions, and completely feel and experience our core emotions, so that we can ultimately make contact with our “authentic” self which is characterized by mindfulness, acceptance, congruence and equanimity.

The book does a much better job of this explaining all this than I just did. It’s written in very clear and accessible language. And it’s loaded with useful examples.

Whether you’re a therapist, in therapy, simply curious, or all of the above, this book is sure to be refreshing, interesting, helpful and useful.

5 stars ⭐️

As a psychiatrist and therapist for over 40 years I have always encouraged my patients to pay attention to how they are feeling and thinking. To deny or avoid one's true feelings and emotions leads to a multitude of problems and symptoms from states of depression to anxiety and everything in between.

This practical and clearly written self-help book written by a gifted therapist helps the reader learn the incredible importance of understanding and accepting your core emotions and the variety of ways we use defenses and other emotions (anxiety, guilt, and shame) to protect us (even though they cause us pain as well).

It is filled with examples from her personal life and her work with patients to help you understand the importance of discovering and accepting your emotional responses and how to use that knowledge to better navigate your life.

She introduces us to The Change Triangle, a conceptual tool, a map, to understand our emotions and discover what we are doing with them that limit our awareness and growth.

Without jargon or overly technical explanations, she presents the latest theories and discoveries in cognitive psychology, neuroscience and mindfulness meditation. She distills this knowledge into a multitude of useful tools and skills to better understand, acknowledge and use our emotions to enhance our lives.

She describes clearly and compassionately the various ways we have of avoiding emotions with the layers of defenses, protective feelings, and automatic emotional reactions.

Her approach reminds us and focuses on our innate drive to health and teaches how to use that more effectively.

The book is filled with exercises to develop our innate abilities of observation and mindful awareness to become more in touch and accepting of our core emotions. It offers hope

The author is a trained and obviously skilled therapist and writes honestly about her own struggles and discoveries. She writes with openness, compassion and humor and that offers the reader the opportunity to understand what she is feeling and how she thinks and how she guides her patients to help them discover their true power.

This way of writing gives us a window into how our minds work and how important it is to pay attention to our bodies and our emotions whenever interacting with others (and ourselves).

And most important this book offers hope for gaining understanding, acceptance and healthy ways to manage our deepest feelings.

This book is incredible.
I had two immediate thoughts when picking it up at the library.

1. I won't understand it / this information will go over my head
2. It's an older / outdated book (purely judging a book by the cover)

Both of those, it turns out, were false assumptions.

My fear with any psychology / psychoanalytical book is that it will be written only for those who have a background in the field or have studied extensively. Thankfully, Hilary writes in a way that people without PHDs can understand and because of that, this was one of the most helpful books I have ever read.

I was incredibly eyeopening into core emotions and the effect that childhood trauma causes on adult brains. Within the first few chapters of this book, I was already looking at my emotions differently and beginning to understand why the brain triggers specific emotions during certain situations.

I would recommend this book to literally everyone, especially those working to heal from past abuse or current depression. 6/5 stars.

The change triangle is useful and fascinating to start with but it ultimately felt a bit gimmicky. I'm not sure I learned how to get the best out of the model.

Also, I thought the title of the book was a bit misleading and the book didn't follow up on its promise to examine issues and emotions that get mistaken for depression but are something else.

I didn't know much about this concept having just picked up this book on the basis of the title alone. Prior to reading the book I had not read Hilary's article in the NYT or anything by Diane Fosha but I was aware of the existence of AEDP, just not the details.

Usually I get bogged down by nonfiction books but I honestly could not put this book down and found myself highlighting or bookmarking about 85% of it. I found the writing to flow naturally and easily and the book made for an easy read. Some reviewers have said they were confused by the layout but that was not the case for me.

While I was about 40% into the book I started sending copies to other people so I would have folks to talk to about this type of therapy. It got me thinking that friends or partners could potentially work this system together and in fact Hilary suggests that herself in a few interviews I've seen with her.

Sure there is some psychobabble and slightly over the top writing going on here, but what self help book is 100% without that? I found the core concept intriguing enough to want to try to work this triangle myself and with others. Also some of the examples within helped me to relate to what some acquaintances may be going through or have been going through or basically why they act the way they do.

Of course this book won't be for everyone but for me it was a real eye opener.

Šį kartą trumpai papasakosiu apie knygą “Tai ne visada depresija”. Tikrai jokia paslaptis, kad mėgstu savęs pažinimo knygas ir tikiu, jog tai kelias į laimingesnį gyvenimą. Šįkart mane suintrigavo autorės pažadas skaitytoją supažindinti su emocijomis ir kartu atverti stebuklingą pokyčių trikampio strategiją, kuri gerokai palengvins gyvenimą.

Autorė labai atvirai dalinasi savo asmeninio bei darbinio gyvenimo patirtimis. Atvirauja apie savo ieškojimus ir atėjimą į psichologijos sritį. Taip pat pasakoja, jog buvo viena tų, kurie tiki, jog gali valdyti savo emocijas. Pasirodo, ne viskas taip paprasta.

Knygoje tikrai daug dėmesio skiriama emocijoms. Jos nėra skirstomos į geras ir blogas, teigiamas ir neigiamas. Šis požiūris man artimas ir priimtinas. Daugiausia dėmesio skiriama pokyčių trikampiui, kuris pristatomas kaip gyvenimą iš esmės pakeisiantis dalykas.

Apie įspūdžius. Na, nebuvau aš sužavėta. Pirmiausia kliuvo tai, kad čia nėra tas rašymo stilius, kai puslapiai tiesiog tirpsta. Pasakojimai iš psichologo kabineto keičia vieni kitus, darosi nuobodūs ir pernelyg detalūs. Ta monotonija tikrai pabosta.

Kitas svarbus aspektas - nesu tikra, kad iki galo supratau pokyčių trikampį. Be to, nemanau, kad labai lengva juo naudotis individualiai be profesionalo pagalbos. Mumyse tiek slopinimo ir savigynos mechanizmų, kad vargu ar be pagalbos susigaudysime.

Nepatikėjau ir tuo greitu pokyčiu, kurį neva duoda pokyčių trikampio įsisavinimas. Tradicinė psichoterapija priešpastatoma šiam metodui pirmiausia efektyvumo, o tuomet ir greičio prasme, bet tuomet pasakojama kaip dirbama metai iš metų su tuo pačiu klientu. Žodžiu, stebuklų nebūna. Net ir dirbant pagal pokyčių trikampį laiko ir kantrybės prireiks.

Kiek teko domėtis, skaitytojų atsiliepimai apie knygą gana neblogi, tad vis tik nespjaučiau aš į ją, nes galbūt šis metodas jums pasirodys artimas ir efektyvus. Pavartykite, pasiskaitinėkite ir duokite šansą. Gero skaitymo

A book on using the change triangle to become more self-aware of your emotions. So, nothing new here.

Spoilers ahead.

This was a non-fiction book so will be a general review rather than focusing on the usual plot and pacing, characters and writing style.

It's Not Always Depression, if you didn't gather from the ginormous subtitle, explores how the change triangle can be used to improve your mental health. Essentially, there are three parts of the triangle: core emotions, inhibitory emotions (that prevent you from feeling those core emotions) and defences (which prevent you from feeling core and inhibitory emotions). The main point is you're supposed to figure out where on the triangle you are and then make your way to an open state full of calmness and clarity.

This book was recommended to me by my counsellor and I had VERY high hopes. I thought the title was quite interesting because depression or saying you're depressed have become such buzzwords nowadays and I always feel uncomfortable when people say them unless they've actually got a diagnosis.

The title, however, is incredibly misleading. I thought there would be information on how different disorders manifest and produce depression-like symptoms. I thought there would be useful strategies for getting to the root of your problems with tips to alleviate any mental illness you have. Instead, this book just drilled the same message over and over and over again: find your place in the change triangle, understand how your emotions are working against and for you, become calm. That's in a nutshell.

This book may be useful for those who lack even the slightest bit of self-awareness but I am not that person. I thought the exercises were redundant. The case studies were boring to read and I got quite annoyed with how Hendel described her therapy sessions starting every sentence (in dialogue with) "I hear you are ___" and the blank would be, word-for-word, whatever the client had said in the line above. I get that's how therapy sessions work but, like, it doesn't make for an interesting read.

I also don't 100% agree with the premise of the book, that just becoming aware of how you feel will make your depression or anxiety or whatever go away. I am VERY aware that I'm scared and angry about how my flatmates decided to invite a friend over tonight without giving me much warning. That doesn't do anything to solve the anxiety that results from it. And I do NOT feel calm despite naming those emotions.

The only reason I gave this book a 2/5 rather than a 1/5 is I liked that Hendel made a distinction between small-t "trauma" and big-T "Trauma." Some of my friends and family keep telling me how they've had traumatic pasts and, okay, perhaps they do but a lot of the time, it's not really big-T "Trauma." It's things like how your parents brought you up and that one time they didn't let you quit the football club and you've been nursing that grudge for three thousand decades.

Also, this book did NOT need to be so long (it's only 296 pages or so and that's still a hundred too many). I didn't care about all those clients. I would have liked to see more exercises, preferably more profound than "take deep breaths and think about how you feel."

So, overall, this book--not for me. I know I sound very salty in this review but hey ho.

The psych book reviews continue! I have really been enjoying reading psychology books on different topics, exploring areas I had little knowledge on before and can now speak to with more clarity.
This book, “It’s not always depression” by Hilary Jacobs explores the use of the “Change Triangle”, and the method “accelerated experiential dynamic psychotherapy” (AEDP) that is used by Jacobs when treating her patients. In the book, Jacobs explores how she the “Change Triangle” to identify defenses (behaviors used to block core/inhibitory emotions), inhibitory emotions (shame, guilt, anxiety) that prevent us from fully experiencing our core emotions (anger, sadness, fear, disgust, joy, excitement, and sexual excitement) which would allow us to then enter a state of openheartedness. When fully experiencing core emotions, without judgment, fear, shame, guilt, or anxiety, we can enter a state of openheartedness, which can be best described using the 7 C’s: calm, curious, connected, compassionate, confident, courageous, and clear.
When using this tool, Jacobs is able to help her patients heal past wounds, depression, anxiety, stress, or trauma; by accessing the memories of the deeply buried core emotions from the past, patients can release and experience their emotion, feel it in their bodies and release it.

It was interesting to me how patients were able to sense and name their emotions within their bodies; a tightness in their chest, a heaviness in their stomach, an energy moving up or down; or a lightness in their hearts and instinct to smile, or dance. Whatever it is, the emotion was manifesting in their body - and by naming this, the patients were able to experience their core emotion and enter a state of openheartedness. I personally tried sensing my emotions in my body and it is harder than it seems! Worth practicing though, because I think it can deepen our connection to our bodies and how emotions (something that seems intangible) truly affect the tangible aspects of our being.

I liked how throughout the book there were a lot of hands-on experiments for the reader to try and put the theory explained in the various chapters, to use. I particularly liked the experiment that made me imagine a safe space, somewhere I can go to when things get stressful. Ever since imagining that place, I have accessed it whenever I need it. I also liked the experiment that made me name my points of irrational shame and guilt and de-bunk these myths I have of myself or who I should be.

I learned a lot about shame and guilt, the differences between these two seemingly similar things, and how we can move past them to access our underlying emotions. Jacobs says “Guilt is what we feel when we have done something bad. Shame when we feel that we are bad”. Often we feel shame (not good enough, worthless, incapable, flawed…) about think we have done something “bad”, a deed that is then connected to judgment towards ourselves and self-worth. This shame is something we are not born with (we don’t innately have an idea on when, where, or why to feel shame) but it’s something we learn from our surroundings. Hilary says, “shame is our physical and physiological response to primal rejection”, so when we are shut down by others, shame is triggered. “Shame is tied to specific events that have taught us to be guarded or to hide”. In a way, shame wants us to be small, because when we make ourselves small, it’s like putting on armor and we are less likely to be hurt, or in other words, rejected. I think the opposite of being small is being vulnerable. This takes courage because if you are rejected when being vulnerable, shame wants to kick in but courage and confidence in one’s worth can counteract that. When we aren’t hurting anyone else or performed a crime, then why should we feel guilt? This was specifically made evident in the experiment “guilty feelings”, hoping us understand that many of the actions we feel guilty about aren’t making us feel that way because we did something “bad”, but because the guilt is masking a deeper conflict or shamed part within ourselves.
Additionally, if we own the damage we did with our actions, whether we did it on purpose or by accident, can be healing. This can be done by what Hilary calls a real and proper apology, based on the book “The Last Lecture” by Randy Pausch and the three parts of making an apology.

In addition, there is also some exploration on trauma; Big T and little t trauma and the distinction between the 2. You’d be surprised at how much could be considered small t trauma. Having read “The boy who was raised as a dog” by Dr. Bruce Perry, I could connect some of the topics regarding trauma, the effects on our bodies, and how trauma can be treated and healed.

A big take-away from this book; emotions just are! I think emotions can really dictate so much about how we exist and behave in a specific moment, blinding us to who we are when we are not swamped in that emotion. Distancing ourselves from the emotion, and not attaching or identifying ourselves with it, can have a really big change in our day-to-day lives.
It can also release some of the expectations we have around emotions, and feeling like we need to “fix” them or change them. Emotions just are, and they will always be there, part of our human nature. They are almost like roommates living with us in our bodies. Accepting their chaos, constant fluctuations, unreliable nature, and effects on how we feel is ultimately all we can do.
I also like how she says that “core emotions are like ocean waves” - emotions will first intensify before they lessen, like riding a wave that rises and falls.

Overall, 3 stars from me.

It’s interesting that there appears to be a lot of literature recently which is focused on the use of psychotherapy of a similar psychoanalytical kind to that which Hendel discusses. It has long been suggested that our attachment styles in childhood explain our adult relationships and Hendel explains that trauma is the root cause of our psychological distress. Hendel does well to explain that this trauma may be something as simple as our caregiver responding to us in a negative way when we’re excited, so that as an adult we learn to suppress our excitement and thus is not really the fault of our caregivers. Hendel explains that you can use the ‘Change Triangle’ which is made up of defensive behaviour, inhibitory emotions and core emotions to analyse our emotions and responses to situations to self-sooth this trauma. Hendel discusses Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP) which sounded to me very similar to Internal Family Systems, with the additional triangles, in that it actively addresses the parts of our minds that were created when we were younger; such as talking to the 5-year-old you who suffered the trauma. The explanation is that at that age we did not have the condition to logically understand what was happening and so our emotional response is irrational. Only when explaining this to this part of our self will we then overcome it. I struggle a lot with this as it has well been known that practises such as these have been in the past responsible for creating false memories within clients. Our mind is very susceptible to suggestion and so it could easily create these younger selves and memories under therapy. That said if it helps people then sure, use it. That said, I would advise seeing a therapist who can guide you through the change triangle as I know personally I would not be able to decode my behaviour using it without help from an outside source. Like most therapies it’s not substantiated with empirical rigour and this book was very repetitive. I’ve also read other therapy books where the example cases are far more illuminative and helpful than those given here.

This is a book worth re-reading every year! I loved this easy-to-understand explanation of the triangle of emotions and change. Ever since I started it, it's helped me process emotions, better understand how I feel, and see exactly where and how I can get to a calm, openhearted state. I'm writing some of my favorite parts here, but I'd still definitely re-read it to see the up close and personal applications of the triangle with different people. Thanks so much, Dr. Hendel!

These are some of my favorite quotes:

If you remember one thing from this book, remember: emotions just are! Judging yourself is not useful. Believing you can stop emotions from happening is false. Instead, focus your mental energy on dealing constructively with them. Use the change triangle. Get to know what you are experiencing. Learn what your emotion is trying to tell you. You do n0t have to act on emotions, and in most cases, you probably won't, but the information these impulses give you is important. If nothing else, emotions make us feel alive.

In an openhearted state, we are calm; curious about our mind, the minds of others, and the world at large; connected to our body and to the hearts and minds of others; compassionate to ourselves and to others; confident in who we are; courageous in our actions; and clear in thought. Emotions and parts of us still exist and are noticeable, but they don't overtake us.

Openhearted states are the opposite of traumatic states. Traumatic states bring us in contact with reactive, highly stressed parts. In traumatic states, we are in fight, flight, or freeze modes. Our emotional brains are going wild preparing us for defensive action. In these states, thinking, problem solving, and rationality are compromised, if not shut off entirely.
...
There are two main ways to get to the openhearted state: first, by experiencing our emotions. ... The second way is by looking for your Cs and seeing if you can make a conscious shift into being them just by being aware and applying your emotional energy.

Not everyone feels comfortable in the openhearted state. Some people can't tolerate calm, believe it or not. There are many people who grew up in chaotic households. All they knew growing up was agitation and anxiety. If you grew up with constant drama and excitement around you, for better or for worse, states of calm might feel dead, or boring. Feeling calm or content might cause you an identity crisis: Who am I when I am calm? Or the calm might initially trigger agitation because it's an alien experience - too unfamiliar.

If you have difficulty with the openhearted state, you must work to establish a new normal. This is possible but requires working the Change Triangle to arrive in the openhearted state as often as possible and tolerating the discomfort that change always brings. Working the change triangle around and around again over a lifetime leads us back to this openhearted state with regularity. With practice, we can arrive here more quickly and more often.

Ten techniques to lower anxiety:
1. Breathe: Take four or five deep belly breaths. ...
2. Ground yourself. Place both your feet on the floor, turn all of your attention to the soles of your feet. Stay there for at least a minute till you have a strong sense of the ground beneath you.
3. Slow down. Be still while you breathe and feel your feet on the ground. Listen to the outside sounds around you. Notice the colors in the world around you. Notice the textures in the world around you. No multitasking!
4. Put yourself in a peaceful place. Imagine a calming place, such as the beach: feel the sun on your skin, hear the sound of the waves, feel the cool sand against your feet, see the water. Find your peaceful place and bring up the image as vividly as possible.
5. Focus on sensations of anxiety: Tune in to the physical sensations of your anxiety, like a quickly beating heart or butterflies in your stomach. With curiosity and compassion for your feeling, stay with the sensations, breathing deeply until you feel them calm down. They will!
6. Name core emotions. Find all the core emotions that are evoking the anxiety. Ask yourself if you are feeling sad, fearful, angry, disgusted, joyful, excited, and/or sexually excited. Imagine them one at a time, with space between each. Validate them by saying them to yourself.
7. Exercise. Physical exertion diminishes anxiety.
8. Connect. Reach out to a friend. Tell him you are upset about something and want to talk about it, If you don't have a friend nearby, perhaps seek out a support group. Talking helps!
9. Imagine your anxiety as a child part of you. Offer the child part comfort by being your own good parent. Give it a hug, swaddle it in a blanket, offer it cookies and milk. Use your imagination in any way that helps the child part feel better.
10. Try other activities that lower anxiety: Cook, play music, stretch or do yoga, make something artistic, read a good book, watch something funny or sad on TV, take a warm bath, make yourself tea, take a walk, masturbat*, or meditate.

Check if you are in an openhearted state by asking yourself the following questions:

Am I physically calm? If not, am I willing to pause and do things that calm me down like taking a walk outside, breathing, feeling my feet on the floor, or remembering some of my positive qualities and those of my companions?

Can I get curious in my reactions to the world and people around me? If I notice that either my partner or I am in a defensive mode, can I get curious about the emotions underneath? Am I curious to map myself, or my companion, on the Change Triangle to understand more about what is happening?

Am I feeling connected to myself emotionally? Am I feeling connected to the people around me? If not, can I make a shift toward connection?

Can I access compassion toward myself? If I am not alone, can I access compassion toward my companion(s)? Can I access compassion now, even though I may also be having other emotions like fear, sadness, or anger?

Am I confident that I am basically safe right now? Am I confident in my abilities to find resources and get help when I need it? Am I confident that I can take care of myself?

Am I willing to be courageous and lead with vulnerability?

Is my mind clear so I can think? If my mind is not clear, am I aware of that so that I do not make important decisions until I am able to access more clarity?

This is a fantastic book. I almost didn’t purchase it because the title threw me off. This book is all about how we experience emotions in our body and the importance of processing them so that our brain is integrated. This book would be super helpful for anyone looking to understand themselves better and get to the root of what’s causing all the anxiety/depression in their lives. But “The Change Triangle” is also super helpful for clinicians to be aware of when working with clients. We cannot ignore our emotions, as much as our society would like to tell us otherwise.

Well, this is a book I'll have to do my best remembering because it's gonna leave my bookshelf, into the hands of my friends just to have the warm feeling of being accepted as a whole by the way Hilary writes, while at the same time being empowered and educated to look into yourself, diving deep until your core emotions. In a world where emotional education is definitely not a priority, there are big and small traumas hiding behind everybody's daily behaviour which will explode in a way or another, there's no way around it. And unfortunately, it's us having to deal with it all: ignoring, defending, exploding & recovering. With practical examples on the therapeutic process of dealing with things, with exercises that you can do to dig into your soul, with mindset shifts and an overall bubble of acceptance, this book is the first step on the road of healing.

Man trikampio idėja aiški. Naudinga skaityti apie pagrindus, kai tiek daug knygų šiomis temomis, galva susisukusi nemenkai.

Kurie žmonių jausmai yra baziniai ir kaip kompensuojame, kai baziniai nepriimti: slopinantys (bazinius) jausmai (nerimas, gėda, kaltė) ar gynybos mechanizmai (sarkazmas, atidėluojimas, perfekcionizmas...). Man tai fainas ABC, nes jau buvau pasiklydusi, kam tuos jausmus reikia tiksliai įvardinti ir pajusti ir kaip patirti pale gvėjimą. Beje, labai patinka, kad pamoko rasti jausmo išraišką kūne, sveikai išgyventi.

I want to start off by saying this book is not for everyone. When I read all the mediocre and bad reviews for this self-help of a novel, I don't think they understand the POINT of this book. This isn't a book about depression, nor is it a book about illuminating the reader about what is and what isn't depression. It's actually a book about one's EMOTIONS. Like, did you ever just find yourself in a situation that triggered you, to that point that you found yourself in the throes of anger, or whatever kind of emotion that experience elicited? THIS is what this book is mainly about. Again, this is a book about emotions.

I think the title was kind of 'gimmicky' and can be triggering for some people with depression, or some readers got triggered because they know people affected by depression and its debilitating effects. Then the title of this book just irate them because depression is a word that can't be thrown around like this. It's not a joke.

To add to this, the author did mention something about trauma, but it's not the FULL ON/REAL DEAL trauma that some people expected when reading this book. This is another factor that made some readers clutch their pearls. Yes, trauma did occur to some patients in this book. However, the trauma the author often cites are the kind of trauma from childhood (i.e. the attachment styles, the trauma here is if you don't have a secure attachment style). I don't think some readers buy into this and if you're one of those people, you might want to consider picking up a different book. The author just talks about past experiences from childhood that may have carried into one's adult life.

ALSO-

"how to get to the root of anxiety—the most common mental illness of our time."
I understand this was in the blurb?

I don't know if the author intentionally wrote this or someone helped them write this blurb to attract a reader's attention. This statement is a generalization.

In my opinion, this is more like a book that you read if you were a neurotic but not enough to the point that you can't function in your daily life, or it inhibits you from fulfilling your day to day duties/responsibilities, etc. This book kind of worked for me because I'm a neurotic who doesn't want to feel so bad... I don't want to explain further because I'll have to talk about my experience, and it just feels very personal to me. All you need to know is that I wasn't diagnosed with depression nor anxiety, but it doesn't mean that I didn't experience these at some point in my life.

NOTE: No one in this book mentioned not to see a therapist when needed. If it works, it works. If it doesn't, pick up another book or go see a therapist. That's my advice. I also want to apologize if I explained things the wrong way in this review. Note that everything written above is based on my understanding/views. It's not 100% accurate.

This book took me a long time to finish and I was about to just leave it multiple times.

First things first, the title is misleading, giving the impression that we’re about to delve into other mental illness that could be confused with or incorrectly diagnosed as depression while it really isn’t about depression specifically at all.

The change triangle is interesting, but for someone who has gone through therapy before, reads psychology or has emotional self awarness, the book offers too little news. Half the work is the identification and acknowledgment of emotions, the other half is what to do with this knowledge.

There was also a lot of repetition, I didn’t need to read the transcript of ten identical sessions to understand how they go, especially if they’re the same word for word, this got me bored very quickly.

I took a screen shot of the change triangle page as a useful reference, but I not much else out of this.

This didn't really resonate with me. I may revisit the Change Triangle the next time I'm having a hard time, but honestly I don't think laying the points out in a triangle was effective for me (so you go around the triangle? or is it an arrow?). The examples were meaningful and I can see how someone struggling could find benefit from this more visualization-based approach. The organization of the book was non-intuitive, though, and without prior background examining one's emotions I think a reader might be lost.

I found this book fascinating! I different view on refocusing your feelings & emotions.

Absolutely transformative. As a clinical social work student at the beginning of my career, I can already see that this will be on my therapist bookshelf for many years to come.

This book was originally recommended to me by my therapist in the Spring of 2021. With some trepidation due to the "woo-woo" nature of what I thought it was I delayed reading it for several months before cracking it open. What I found, however, was far from my expectations.

Hendel does a phenomenal job of unpacking and breaking down decades of work dissecting the human brain into simple, compassionate tools of self help. The main rules of the book are simple: 1) You're gonna feel however you're gonna feel and that's okay. 2) Love yourself with the compassion we so often tend to reserve only for others.

Peppered with powerful real life examples of her patients and even her own struggles, the change triangle is shown in action again and again. Though some of the tools are less than intuitive they are explained in simple steps to help you work them into your own life, and beyond just that Hendel hammers one thing repeatedly throughout the text. You are worthy of love both inside and out. You are deserving of love, and compassion, and forgiveness. So much of the negative emotion felt on a daily basis rises from the same simple fear, that we aren't good enough to be loved in the way we so desperately desire. If there's one thing you take away from this book, it's that you are good enough and that you are loved.

There were a lot of great takeaways from this. Most of the mental health stuff I've read so far has been based in cognitive behavioral therapy, but this approaches getting unstuck using the "change triangle," which involves investigating what's trying to break through, what's holding you back, and what the ultimate optimal outcome could be... or something kind of like that. Most of the book is a recitation of success stories of Hendel's clients successes in working the triangle. Those were really helpful in seeing how the triangle plays out, but I really could have used a bit more time dedicated to understanding the parts of the triangle better.

This book was amazing! I’ll be reading it again very soon as there’s so much value for me within those pages. I highly recommend this for anyone who’s ever struggled with depression, feeling their emotions, rage, shame, anxiety...really anybody who’s breathing.

My therapist suggested this book and I’m so thankful she did!! This is a practical guide written in a way that even those w/ no background in therapy can understand.

4.5 stars. Very therapeutic reading

A lot of repetition, and doesn't take into account that many people are able to identify which core emotion is causing their anxiety or depression but that doesn't make it go away for them.

I for instance am aware very often that my anxiety comes from illogical fear but that doesn't make my anxiety go away. It is also said that once you experience a "core emotion" you can then move on from it to a relaxed state but thats also not always the case, for instance greif sadness from loss of a loved one isn't an emotion you can simply feel for an hour then move on from If I stay in that emotion and don't throw up a "defense" as the author calls it I could be crying for days.

Overall the book gives an interesting view into how to identify emotions and how to acknowledge them but not helpful for those with chronic mental illness issues, this seems like a book aimed at the neurotypical who are dealing with emotional issues for the first time.

My rating has less to do with the book and more to do with my ability, in my present state, to fully embrace its teachings. I do have some misgivings about the way the core message elides material and structural considerations (classism, racism, sexism, etc. should not be considered problems to overcome internally, in my opinion), but for those dealing specifically with childhood and/or familial trauma this book could potentially provide valuable insights.

Like other reviewers, I also question the relevance of the title and the - perhaps - tacit message that depression can be overcome through introspection and accessing core emotions. This suggestion is never specifically articulated by the author, but it seems implied by the title.

However, to be fair to the author, she does not argue that the change triangle is the only viable therapeutic framework; instead, it's the one she prefers. I'm in no position to question that.

This book is such a blessing. I'm happy I bought it. I've been wondering for years the reason behind my extreme anxiety and depressive state. Antidepressants were not helpful at all. It is because the real reason behind it was my fear and shame that developed in me growing up with neglectful parents and constant chaos at home. Emotions were never explained or tolerated. I couldn't develop a sense of self or understanding of what I'm feeling. I've been living in imaginary states, just guessing what it might be, blaming myself for being so crazy and disordered. Now I'm learning to understand myself. I'm finally developing a sense of self and a stable identity. I'm very grateful to the author that she wrote this book. It came exactly on time. I was ready to receive it. Thank you.

I can't decide between 3,5 and 4 stars. A good self-help book with actual, practical advice and, you know, stuff you can try. I think some people might find this approach very helpful. For me, well, I found some of it helpful, and I can use those parts, which is what - in my opinion - self-help books are good for. Take what you like and leave the rest, but at least consider it. Looking at your stuff from a different perspective is usually in itself quite useful.

This book is a life changer - it helped me understand myself, my emotions and my traumas in a whole new way. I loved the writing style and all the examples and experiences from real life, but mostly I love how much sense it makes & how easy it is to apply to my own life. There's a wealth of exercises to try included in the book and I feel like the author is very generous with how much she shares. I've already recommended this book to a number of friends, and know I'll go back to read it again.

I had high hopes for this book but was disappointed greatly. Many people, including me, already know what emotions they are feeling, but this knowledge has not and will not cure our depression like this book is trying to say. I am sad, scared and angry because my father is dying. Now tell me what to do? How do I stop feeling these core emotions? How do I deal with them? Well, the book gives you no suggestions. Waste of time and money.

Title is off-putting. Wouldn’t have read it but for the recommendation of a trusted friend. Excellent content. Basically, “how to be a human with emotions 101”. Seems like everyone could benefit from reading this book. I listened to the audiobook (which was great) but am ordering a hard copy as well because there’s so much I want to go back and reference.